Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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