No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
