I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
