there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
