You're so nebulous sometimes
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
