soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
