if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
