We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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