The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
