hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
