Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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