I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
being pregnant is like rehab
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
