The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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