I never want to see another naked old woman again.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
