remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
