My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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