When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
