Only a mothe r could love this liver
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
