if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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