Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
