I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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