I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
