____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
