Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
