I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I don't deserve a penis
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
