he shaved USA in his pubs
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Bring me that man meat
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize