I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
