i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
