??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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