Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
