I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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