I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
