Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
