I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So much rum. So many feels.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
