A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
