God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
no, he came in my armpit
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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