Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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