I cockslap morals
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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