What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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