ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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