Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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