I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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