Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
