never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Let's get the cat blown out
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
