i don't like sucking hair
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
