Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
