Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
