Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
