Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
this hospital has no fireball
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
