It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
