i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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