I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
