I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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